Happy Pikin' by *onixa on deviantART


This is a pretty personal post, so yeap. Really long i think. Don't have to read it. I jsut have it here as a reminder for me.

I was just visiting Youthphoria's blog and reading the posts. And I guess they kinda woke me up a little. Esp those by Abraham. Kinda reflects on me. Not that Ihave a boyf or anything, but rather i have been putting so many things before God, and I have been so deceived by what I want and my own desires that i have forgottten to centre my descisions around God. I live in this self deceptive world where my mind works like a cell membrane and only decides to take in what it wants to take in. So much so that i don't know if what i'm thinking is what Satan or what God wants.

Yes it has been bothering me. What God wants versus what I want. I pray every night and say, "Let Your will be done and not mine. Speak to me, and open my ears that i may listen". But then I wondered, have i even bothered to LET God open my ears? I honestly don't think so. Have I done my way, or have I done God's? I reckon its mine ( unless what I want is what God wants la).

So many times i've prayed and asked God to pull me back to Him. To give me discipline to do my QT, to block out my wordly distractions, to teach me how to focus on Him an Him alone, to centre my life aroud Him, to teach me how to listen. Then I remembered what someone ( i forgot who, sorry!) once told me, That if you don't bother even trying yourself, why should God help you?

Its like, you go into an examination room without studying, without any effort put in for that paper just cause you're lazy or for no reason you just didn't wanna study for it. You sit down, and you pray, " God, help me score in this examination. I know i can score cause i have you.". Then you mess up the paper and blame God for it. Like what, God's your portable robot that stores your math paper info inside? God's your vending machine? ( Correct me if i'm wrong, but) I personally think that if you don't put a single shit effort into anything, then don't expect even a single shit result in return.

Some people, yes they do work hard with nothing in return. But in the long run, i'm sure their work will pay off. We've gotta learn how to give and take man. We reap wht we sow, right?

IM not saying that i've NEVER treated God like a vendting machin whtsoever. Honestly, I have. Many many times. And thats why i wanna wanna change that! :D I hate to feel far from God. But sometimes its just so so hard to get back up. I can feel how different it is when God's seems so far. For me, its my temper, how I understand things, how happy I am, how fulfilled i feel, etc. And what tears me apart from God the most is always the exams.

Studying isn't a bad thing, but drifting away form God is. And when i study without God in my life, i feel stressed and pissed at everything, I feel tired, I feel weary. And it sucks like crap. Serious shit i tell ya. And at times like these I remember How Jesus asks us to cast our anxieties upon him, how he'll carry out burdens. But when you're far from God, these things don't seem to happen. Only cause we rely too much on our own abilities and strengths that we fail to realise that all these comes from God. And when we don't have God, these things disappear as well. And when they start to disappear, we aske God, ' Where are you?' when he's right there, only that we fail to see him cause we're blinded by our own desires.

I remember myself right aft youth camp last year, and i think about myself now. My status with God. We used to be like, best friends. His presence was always there. And now i don't even know how to listen to him, to hear what he wants from me. Boy does that suck. I start to feel lost and afraid. Afraid of what might happen if i make the wrong choices, and i get really bad consequences.

This is how i've kinda woken up to see the importance of having God as the centre of my life, the importance of staying close to him, the importance of placing him first, Esp now, when the world is coming closer to its end and more distractions and false prophets are surfacing. Man i've gotta stay close to him or im gonna fall apart and go the wrong way. I want Jesus to come back down quick. The world's in chaos now. People are losing faith, and non-christians are trying to edge their way to making us give up on God. We need God the most right now. I am soooo gonna woosh back to God during my hols. I hope you do too. Its not too late! :D

Labels: God, reflection